it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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