my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
