Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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