Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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