I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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