He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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