I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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