I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
