just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
