cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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