he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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