What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
