Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize