The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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