why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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