I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
