mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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