She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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