I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Randomize