You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
