when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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