we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
