Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
