i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
