Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
