You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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