theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
