Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
