the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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