if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
