she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
