if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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