I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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