I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize