we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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