I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
