I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
