I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
