Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
