Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
