she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
