I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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