his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
