I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
