I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
