My hand turned me down
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
