I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
