What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
