my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
