Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
