I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
