i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
