sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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