and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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