not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
