I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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