if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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