i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
