There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
